Perhaps that would make more sense if I had actually posted since last November. About 58 days ago, I began a post that I never published. It went something like this:
Today is the last day of the first week of the last semester of my life as a student. *deep breath*
Yeah, it feels just as confusing as it sounds. This week has been a chaotic storm of emotions, most of which are totally contradictory.
I'm relieved to know it will all be over in 120 days, but overwhelmed to know I have only 120 days to get it finished.
I'm ecstatic to start my career as a teacher, but terrified that I won't be any good at it.
I'm inspired by my research findings, but worried that they may never make a difference.
I'm proud of my accomplishments, but scared I may not live up to others' expectations.
Excited to get this semester started, but sad to know that everything is getting ready to change.
I spent most of this week trying to make sense of all of the contradictions, but to no avail. So as I write this, I'm not really sure what my point here is.
I don't think I realized then (no, in fact I know I didn't realize then or else I may have crawled into a ditch somewhere along the way to hide) that all the contradictions would jump on the bandwagon, haunting the rest of my journey and recruiting others like them along the way.
Though I know without a doubt that in 62 days I will graduate from NC State University and that in 10 days I will have successfully defended my thesis (bear with me... I'm trying to stay positive), the road leading up to those mile-markers and beyond is a pretty foggy. In fact, I think I may need a fog horn.
You see, even though I know the end is near, there is still so much I don't know. Ah look, some more contradictions.
- I know my thesis will be finished in 10 days. But as it's fate is currently in the hands of my committee, I don't know when I'll have to drop everything to to put on the finishing touches (which could range from touching up the paint to gutting the whole infrastructure... I don't know that either.)
- I know that it's finally time to get a big girl job and really be a teacher. But I don't know what positions are opening up, where they'll be, or if any of them will be the right fit for me.
- I know that as of May 31 I can no longer live in my house. But I don't know where my job will be and where I'll need to go.
And besides, the only thing that can clear the fog of contradictions is time. Just as the morning fog clears as the day goes on, this fog too will clear. I just have to be patient and pay attention. There may be intersections of opportunity hidden in the fog. Or there may be boulders and potholes waiting to trip me up and make me fall on my face, who knows. But eventually, the contradictions will clear and then it will be time to make some decisions. Until then, I just have to hurry up and wait.
Look at that, another contradiction. What's that, Contradiction? You want to drive the bandwagon? Oh alright, go ahead.
