Hurry up and wait.

The end is growing near. Today marks 10 days until I defend my thesis and 62 days until graduation. Though I've never been a very quantitative, numerically inclined kind of girl, for some reason, I have taken comfort in knowing exactly how much time I have left before my self-imposed torture comes to an end. Yet at the same time, those very numbers... well, for lack of better words, scare the bejeezies out of me. So once again, I find myself at yet another contradiction in my journey.

Perhaps that would make more sense if I had actually posted since last November. About 58 days ago, I began a post that I never published. It went something like this:

Today is the last day of the first week of the last semester of my life as a student. *deep breath*

Yeah, it feels just as confusing as it sounds. This week has been a chaotic storm of emotions, most of which are totally contradictory.

I'm relieved to know it will all be over in 120 days, but overwhelmed to know I have only 120 days to get it finished.
I'm ecstatic to start my career as a teacher, but terrified that I won't be any good at it.
I'm inspired by my research findings, but worried that they may never make a difference.
I'm proud of my accomplishments, but scared I may not live up to others' expectations.
Excited to get this semester started, but sad to know that everything is getting ready to change.

I spent most of this week trying to make sense of all of the contradictions, but to no avail. So as I write this, I'm not really sure what my point here is.

I don't think I realized then (no, in fact I know I didn't realize then or else I may have crawled into a ditch somewhere along the way to hide) that all the contradictions would jump on the bandwagon, haunting the rest of my journey and recruiting others like them along the way.

Though I know without a doubt that in 62 days I will graduate from NC State University and that in 10 days I will have successfully defended my thesis (bear with me... I'm trying to stay positive), the road leading up to those mile-markers and beyond is a pretty foggy. In fact, I think I may need a fog horn.

You see, even though I know the end is near, there is still so much I don't know. Ah look, some more contradictions.

• I know my thesis will be finished in 10 days. But as it's fate is currently in the hands of my committee, I don't know when I'll have to drop everything to to put on the finishing touches (which could range from touching up the paint to gutting the whole infrastructure... I don't know that either.)
• I know that it's finally time to get a big girl job and really be a teacher. But I don't know what positions are opening up, where they'll be, or if any of them will be the right fit for me.
• I know that as of May 31 I can no longer live in my house. But I don't know where my job will be and where I'll need to go.

Go ahead, contradictions, jump on the wagon. I'd hate for you to feel left out.

And besides, the only thing that can clear the fog of contradictions is time. Just as the morning fog clears as the day goes on, this fog too will clear. I just have to be patient and pay attention. There may be intersections of opportunity hidden in the fog. Or there may be boulders and potholes waiting to trip me up and make me fall on my face, who knows. But eventually, the contradictions will clear and then it will be time to make some decisions. Until then, I just have to hurry up and wait.

Look at that, another contradiction. What's that, Contradiction? You want to drive the bandwagon? Oh alright, go ahead.

Today.

I, 

not events, 

have the power to make me 

happy or unhappy 

today. 

I can choose which it shall be. 

Yesterday is dead, 

tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. 

I have just one day, 

today, 

and I'm going to be 

happy 

in it.

~Groucho Marx

Nothing.

nothing is ever as it seems... nor is it otherwise.

I

When I was a senior in high school, my English teacher gave us the assignment of writing and I poem. An I poem is simply a serious of statements about yourself each of which begin with the word "I" or some variation of it. I found the poem today as I was rummaging through some old files. I smiled as I read and remembered. I realized how I'd grown and changed, how I'd stayed the same, and was reminded of all the things that make me who I am. So in case I forget again, here "I" am.

I'm probably too optimistic for my own good.
I am so incredibly proud of my big brother. I wish I was more like him.
I love my mom, even in all her cooky overprotectiveness.
My dad is my role model.
I love the ocean; The sand, the salt water, and the sounds are so therapeutic.
I'm a sucker for gorgeous eyes, good smells, and cute accents.
I like my hair most of the time, but that's about it.
I love movies with happy endings.
I love music and its ability to transcend language, culture, and experience.
I sing when I think no one's listening or when I don't realize I'm doing it. It usually means I'm happy.
I'm happier when I'm around people.
I try to make everyone happy, but I don't think it works most of the time.
I'm a completely hopeless romantic.
I love flowers; planting, growing, picking, giving, and receiving.
I'm way too addicted to my computer.
I have the most amazing friends.
I hate being bored; it makes me feel like I'm wasting my time.
I'm a terrible dancer...but I love to dance anyway.
I'm amused by the littlest things... and I like it that way.
Sometimes I just want to cuddle.
I believe in God; His love and grace get me through each day.
I believe that true love never goes away, even if a relationship seems to.
I worry that people are upset with me, too much.
I like good surprises as long as I know they're good ahead of time.
I love to laugh and smile.
I love life.